the secret river

eyezoffyre:

If you do remember me,
please don’t remember me
as just some voice you heard
from across the great water…
voices fade from memory
and dry up like the last summer rain.
instead remember me as a woman
that said I love you
from the core of her being,
and her love wasn’t just a
feigning romance, a simple pleasure
to feel for a fleeting moment,
it is something alive, beating to the tune
of needing you:
  I want you
  I so want you.
Please don’t walk away
with just the memory of my eyes…
the ones you said burned themselves
like shadow ghosts into your retina.
I don’t want to be
some silly leftover romance
that started like a nuclear bomb
and ended without a whisper.
I want to be the one 
that you wanted completely, that got into
your breath and you can’t shake it.
I understand, really, that we met 
at the wrong time,
that our lives are already in place…
and so I don’t dare ask
for anything from you -
but if I could, I would simply ask
just to hear you say that
I am still there,
in your breath,
singed into your retina,
my blood in yours,
a never ending silent tenderness…
a secret raging river
that will never go away.

conclusion

It ended as it had begun
with an agonized scream of unfulfilled need
and bitter accusations.
Somewhere in the wasteland that
spans the space
between your Truth
and my Truth
lies a defeated reality
too tired to raise a sword to fight
against the muscled beasts that feast on
the bloody collision of dreams and memory.
But when the tears dry
and the pain eases
and the anger fades away to mist,
I vow that all that will remain in me
of you
is memory of your wicked wit
and playful passion,
and the joy that surged in me because of you.
These memories much too valuable a toy
to throw outside the pram
and forget.

shadows

there was nothing
in your kiss
in your smile
in your laughter
that belied
your intentions

but i knew

and i saw 

and i didn’t listen

because you didn’t tell me,
my heart did

perhaps a phrase
would have been enough
to let me know
the timeline
of your designs
i would have listened
to you
and saved my soul
the trouble

now the shame
of rejection
a cowl over my eyes

but the darkness
is welcome
for awhile

my relief is the breeze
that cools my hot face
and soothes
my trembling lip

as i turn from the sun
i see my shadow
before me
long, dark, and comfortable

i slip into it
again
feel the velvet
wrap around me
safe
secure

an unfortunate fairytale

it was sublime
the way you craved me
everlong
and perpetual
allowing me to unsheathe 
the barriers that for so long 
shielded my fragility

the emotion behind your eyelids
was inaudible
it needed no explanation
just a glance was like
feathers that danced on my skin
and flew into the roots of me

I found the map of the universe
within your hands
and left behind the swollen cries
of my past that had crawled
under my vertebrae 
and haunted me

oh, 
but how I ache now
as I realize
when I said I love you
and you said you love me
we were not saying 
the same thing at all

your yearning
for me
was evanescent
and my fairytale heart
was maudlin and foolish

now all that I have are
sour sounds within my intestine
and to ponder
how I can fill my lungs
with real air again

the secret river

If you do remember me,
please don’t remember me
as just some voice you heard
from across the great water…
voices fade from memory
and dry up like the last summer rain.
instead remember me as a woman
that said I love you
from the core of her being,
and her love wasn’t just a
feigning romance, a simple pleasure
to feel for a fleeting moment,
it is something alive, beating to the tune
of needing you:
  I want you
  I so want you.
Please don’t walk away
with just the memory of my eyes…
the ones you said burned themselves
like shadow ghosts into your retina.
I don’t want to be
some silly leftover romance
that started like a nuclear bomb
and ended without a whisper.
I want to be the one 
that you wanted completely, that got into
your breath and you can’t shake it.
I understand, really, that we met 
at the wrong time,
that our lives are already in place…
and so I don’t dare ask
for anything from you -
but if I could, I would simply ask
just to hear you say that
I am still there,
in your breath,
singed into your retina,
my blood in yours,
a never ending silent tenderness…
a secret raging river
that will never go away.

remnants

you linger
like an imprint
residing deep inside of me
 
invisible roots
that have wound around
the inside of my guts
and layered with twisted knots
that I cannot cut
from my soul
 
your fragments play
to the ghosts in my memory
like a grand matador…
my love was the bull that
you slaughtered
 
and even though
it feels
like I’m swallowing thorns
 
I still feel you
 
your presence is a rage
flowing through my veins
setting me on fire
with every pounding
of my heart
 
you climbed inside of me
the first second I knew you
and even though you’re gone
you will forever scrape
and claw under my skin
 
and I don’t know how
to remove the pieces of you
that remain
 

coda

the myth of us
the fable of two lovers
bound beyond boundaries
loving beyond love
the perversion of the believability
of your hanging words
that you strung up like a noose
sending my soul to the gallows

you use them when you are
feeling important because 
you know how I love you
but those words will never be anything more
than shadows of lies to keep me dangling
as your voice cracks on my skin and 
implodes into 10,000 watts
singeing my heartstrings 

you took the vibrations of lust
and coated them with a thin candy-shell 
that you referred to as love
that was your mistake 
you didn’t expect 
that I would melt through it so easily
and taste the pungency of your greed
to have me for you
but not give yourself to me
you say I am your fantasy girl
but you don’t want to go the extra mile
so I can be your woman

despite your smoke and mirrors
I saw the trick, the play
the slight of hand you used each time
and I knew time and again
despite promises and luxurious moments
that we were nothing more than a legend
something created to make life
seem more beautiful than it really is
a façade to make me think 
you loved me

I knew it was inevitable
because my restless flighty heart
had finally wanted to settle
yet you still tried to clip my wings
so I could not fly too far
because you knew you were
a fallacy, a mirage 
and still you needed to keep
my lovesong all to yourself
the music inside my soul of places
that we would never go
and feelings we would never really have 

you thought you were the player
in this story but
i will tell you - 
all this time I knew
how the end would be

ashes to ashes

when I lost you, the fire in my heart died out and left only a crumpled piece of stationery where you could faintly see the remnants of promises made and faded memories that no longer have meaning, and each time my heart tries to beat again, little pieces flicker off… dried and burnt fragments of paper holding a love story that only used to be, leaving nothing in its place but a hollowed-out chest and veins full of ash.

leaving winter behind

you want to focus on the present
as if you were ‘suddenly’ grown up and matured
“the past is the past”, so you say
and these words fly from your lips
like little black birds flying south,

in your numb blue haze of reality,
this universe of shadows you live in,
you don’t even realize
that I have become
the winter that your little birds are avoiding
frozen and void of color

you can’t even see beyond yourself that
I am this past
that you now discredit so easily

washed away

you pushed me away quietly
without much force
as if you were doing me a favor
and so I dropped
delicately
in silence
like a petal that falls to the dirt, rejected
the final few heart beats
disintegrated
without purpose
far from the home I found inside of you
any skeletal remains
were carried away by ants
and the last remnants
of the love I gave to you
was completely washed away
by one simple rain

fall from grace

Everyone knows the sound of leaves dancing in the wind. It reminds me of the sound of taffeta on a glistening ball gown, rustling across the dance floor. But have you ever asked what sound it makes when it’s sitting still? I think perhaps you hear the sound of the music crying for it. Have you ever heard the sound of a leaf when it falls from a tree in solitude? I once imagined the leaf, falling from grace, would simply be muted sounds of hurt, the sound of my heart when you told me your heart was dancing to a new kind of music. But as I witnessed this brief second, etched into the memory of the seasons, one particular leaf cried as she was torn; she clawed and struggled at the wind that took it. I suppose she didn’t want to go gracefully and proud like all the others, who I think must feel that a quiet death from orange to brown was something to be thankful for. So she spat at the gravity and the curse of autumn which sings things must always change. As her withered self hit the ground the thump echoed into the wind, and after watching her wild struggle, her sisters cried for her with a burst of yellow-red murmuring and their familiar shimmering dance as she continued to scratch her claws and dig in at her memories that scraped across the asphalt road.

As I listened I realized she was screaming the song from my heart - the sound my love made as you tore it from its roots.   

turning whiskey into nothing

there is a comfort
in talking to you
a warmth I still feel
despite my own misery
a twisted need to still want
someone I don’t want
the conversations are generic
and often times
grasping to fill a void
but it somehow feels nice
like old slippers
that know all my history
my wrongs and rights
no wasting time explaining
this or that or starting over
and despite the awkwardness
in the moment, being with you
can feel so soft
like lying on the grass
warm sun on my face
trees whispering above
consoling
but with time
when I stay too long
this luxury
leaves my skin burnt
and itching uncontrollably
as the creepy crawly things
start to roam my mind
slowly reminding me of
all the disappointments
I’ve had with you
and I see now
giving anything of myself
to you
is like pouring
a bottle of Macallan
onto the ground
to be evaporated
into nothing

which is exactly
what remains
of us 

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